3 tips for putting your harshest critic in his/her place
When I was younger I used to worry about what other people thought and said about me. It was a big source of angst and distraction from what mattered most. And then in the last 5 years I came to the “aha” realization that the person most critical of me, who was projecting negative thoughts and opinions and mean feedback— was me. My inner voice is one mean mother when it comes to well, me. And I am not alone. We all have a critical inner voice— says artist Danielle Krysa, and badass feminist pastor Nadia Bolz-Weber and that’s just at the top of the google search results! The question is: how do we put that mean voice in our head in its place? (And we must put it in its place because it’s holding us back!) Here are my 3 go-to tips to move on from your negative inner voice.
Journal it. Writing is my way to get at the truth in my head. To let out my voice and then see it. Some people might have different ways to “journal,” but here’s how it works for me. If I’m feeling out of sorts or I’m noticing I’m not feeling confident about something, I turn on a timer, close my door, and write (or type) exactly what’s in my head. Freeform. I’m not trying to publish it or say something profound. I let go of my self-consciousness. I just listen to what my inner voice is saying and then write. Here’s a sample:
This blog post isn’t anything earth shattering. People are going to think I’m a total tool. Ugh with my use of the word total. Who can take me seriously when I can’t get rid of my verbal tics?
And that is just a snippet. What a meanie! I am uncomfortable writing it. I am honest with what my voice says. Then I step away. Do something else. Then I read what I wrote. When I read it I try to bucket the inner criticisms into 2 categories.
“I would never say that to a friend as constructive feedback so discard.”
“This is something I’m blowing out of proportion, but I still may want to tackle/explore/learn more.”
In my case above the “people will think I’m a tool” goes in the discard pile. Honestly I write for me, so that’s got to be something I move on from quickly. The “lose the verbal tics” is something everyone does so I need to get over myself. But it doesn’t mean it might not be something I want to explore and improve.
Phone a friend. Once I pair down my inner critic list I call that bestie friend or colleague who loves me, but will tell me I have spinach in my teeth. I explain I am working through some self-doubt (or whatever you want to name it) and then share what I want to share. Usually I will only share from bucket #1 if I haven’t put it fully to bed in my mind. “I’m working on a blog post that’s making me uncomfortable. I’m worried I’m going to sound like a tool. What’s your honest take and advice for me?” But mostly I go into bucket 2. “I am noticing in myself that I am leaning heavily on verbal tics. Do you notice it in me? If not can you keep an eye out and give me feedback to let me know if it’s detracting from my message or ability to deliver my ideas credibly?” This way I know I literally have someone watching my back. The result is I end up “unblocked” and free. One discussion I recall was when I was beating myself up because I hadn’t been able to get very far on a key project for our team. My inner voice was destroying my confidence and I felt terrible. Finally after journaling, I called my boss in a panic, confessed my concerns, and we then talked through what was blocking the path for me to really get it going. I left that conversation lighter. First my boss told me my concerns were blown out of proportion and gave me context and support. But most importantly, I was able to talk through what was most important, and free myself up to think and focus on the important stuff.
Focus on action. The best way for me to get my head in the game, is to get in the game. Sometimes the game is baking cookies (and not the thing that’s plaguing me), but the act of doing something, of being present helps quiet that meanie inner critic. Recently I had to present at a meeting on a new topic. I am known to be a generally high energy, can do kind of gal. But sometimes when I’m starting something for the first time, I can be awkward. I know I will get over it, but it’s a thing. I presented and knew I was feeling shy. (My inner critic was way meaner.) I left the meeting feeling discouraged. I decided to focus on the future not the past. I jumped in and started digging into material and topics and getting to work. I feel so much better when I have some learnings and wins under my belt. There’s a point when talking isn’t enough. Jump into something and focus outward to get out of your head.
Self-awareness is a wonderful goal to strive for. That means you need to listen to your inner voice, and sort through the noise and insecurity from the lessons or real goals you want to tackle. We would never say destructive, cruel things when trying to help a friend or colleague improve or address a challenge. Keep that in mind when that voice in your head starts to list out what’s wrong. Try journaling what’s worrying you and then read it to evaluate what’s overblown and what’s worth exploring. Connect with trusted friends or colleagues to get feedback and have them watch your blind spots. And most of all, do something. Having accomplishments or wins under your belt can help you move out of your head. Be kind to yourself!
